And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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