After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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