i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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