If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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