I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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