there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
