Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
