you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
