wrigley field is MILF paradise
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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