he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
