I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Girls should come with a carfax report
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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