if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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