Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
