Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
