is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
