How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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