When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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