ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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