My liver just broke up with me...
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
