Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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