I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
