1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
