Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize