operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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