very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
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