I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
