did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
