my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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