just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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