Swine flu is the new snow day.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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