I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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