you guys were way drunker than both of me
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize