with your own penis?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
