Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
