"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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