I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
