My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
