I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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