If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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