I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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