and you said cock pushups were impossible
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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