I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
