4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
