where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
