when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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