Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
