I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
This is not my ceiling
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
