I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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