Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
