Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
