I cockslap morals
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
