you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
