I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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